Children are Angels

 Metaphors have a way of tapping into our collective unconscious.  We might not know why certain images or words mysteriously resonate with an unspoken feeling within us, but many do.  It’s like harmonious music soothing our souls. we know not why – only that it does.

When certain words evoke or identify an heretofore unconscious feeling, there is a release of inner energy; a communion of one with humanity seems to occur.  I had such an experience a few summers ago while I was jogging along the Pacific Coast and saw hundreds of shells spewed along the beach.  They seemed like angel wings – only they were all broken.  And these broken angel wings made me think of may of the children with whom we work who I believe are like angels sent to us from God.

But angels are supposed to be able to fly straight and far, and have the ability to gracefully swoop down from the stars at the whim of a thought.  And angels should be able to laugh easily, know that they are loved for their intrinsic goodness and never experience fear from others.  Baby angels should be able to soar among the clouds and be able to see into the hearts of others. And they are supposed to spread peace and love among us. 

But for unknown reasons some angels have broken wings.  These angels don’t laugh easily, their smiles are void of warmth, and their eyes are cold or perhaps numb from what they have seen, or have tried to shut out. They cry and scream from the early pain they have had to endure because of their vulnerability and helplessness.  And just as the shells in the ocean have been thrown up on the beach, so too have these angels felt abandoned and discarded

Many of these angels with broken wings are embraced by foster or adoptive parents who spend hours and millions of tears trying to help these children.  Yet their only reward is to have these children turn their misdirected rage against them.  To these foster and adoptive parents, our heroes and heroines of the day, goes our belief that they are silently participating in a miracle.

Author: Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D.

Reprinted from: Indy’s Child, December 1996 

Danny: A Victim Who Victimizes. . . Why?

This is the second of a three-pan series describing the world of an emotionally disturbed child who has been physically and sexually abused. In this article, four theoretical models will be used to try to understand why a little boy : who has been so savagely violated, rejects the love of others and, indeed, deliberately abuses others.

Every child is intrinsically beautiful, unique, and deserving of love, No child, regardless of the circumstances of conception, is destined to hurt others. Yet, Danny does. This charming boy was lighting fires, hitting others, molesting younger children, and preparing himself for a life of violence. The foster parents who had tried to love him incurred the wrath of this angry child. For their own safety as well as the safety of their other children, Danny was told he had to leave their home.

In trying to grasp an understanding as to why Danny, an abused child, would himself become an abuser, viewing the scenario from different theoretical models may be useful.

Learning Theory was the most often used explanation for why Danny was so uncontrollable. This theory suggests that kids do what they have been taught. In Danny’s case he witnessed severe abuse from the adults around him and his behavior could be partially explained by saying he was just doing what he had been taught.

Psychodynamic Theory offers an intriguing concept of “repetition compulsion” whereby it is believed a person continues to act out a trauma hoping that eventually it can be resolved. Certainly, Danny was setting himself up for rejection in each of his foster homes by his violent behavior. Over and over, Danny replayed the original trauma of rejection which he experienced because of his mother’s unwillingness to protect him from her abusive boyfriends.

Sociobiological Theory suggests that much of our behavior is pre-programmed such as athletic and musical ability, shyness, alcoholism, etc. While it may be hard to imagine antisocial behavior being inherited, it is conceivable that Danny was born with certain personality characteristics which, when placed in a hostile environment, manifested themselves in terms of antisocial behavior. Danny may have been born with a high tolerance for pain and a thrill seeking personality. Fighting, fire setting, stealing, and molesting others are behaviors he found to be exciting and intrinsically rewarding. Punishment has no effects on him except to make him angrier and more cunning.

Bonding Theory when combined with existential notions of personal choice and free will, I believe, best incorporates the other models and offers insights into why Danny behaves as he does.

Consider that for most babies the first few months after birth consist of an infinite number of moments wherein a soft, warm, loving mother gently envelops her child with caresses, smiles, coos, and joy. These children learn at an experiential level that they are special, lovable, and the source of happiness to others. They enter into a non-verbal love relationship with their mothers and willingly extend this trust to others. These are our bonded children.. Much loved and eager to love others.

Unfortunately, thousands of children never experience the loving care of a gentle mother but instead suffer a state of physical and emotional deprivation. Some children are born prematurely or have serious health problems which require them to be kept isolated in incubators for extended periods of time. Some are neglected at critical developmental times when parents divorce or a parent dies. Sometimes bonding is breached when parents themselves suffer from physical or mental problems and they focus on their own needs, at the expense of their child.

Too many children, like Danny, are sexually or physically abused or simply neglected for hours and days at a time. These children are particularly at risk for being unbonded; they have no trust of others and have no desire to please anyone but themselves.

Unbonded children do not seem to have a conscience and they only feign remorse when they are caught doing something bad. To love anyone puts them at risk and their unconscious (and sometimes conscious) agenda is to strike first before others can hurt them.

This notion of bonding provides a very understandable and cogent framework for understanding why many victimized children turn their sadness and rage against others. Some, like Danny, appear to be unreachable… hopeless.

But all children are first of all children. No labels (juvenile delinquents, sociopaths, incorrigibles, etc.) can diminish their God-given goodness and humanity. They can be reached.. .they must be.. for their sake, society’s, and especially for the sake of their future children.

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Koselke, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

Wrestling for Success

Last summer Indianapolis sports fans were treated to the best of amateur athletics. The Pam Am Games brought together some of the world’s most elite athletes who competed in such diverse events as gymnastics, basketball, canoeing, soccer, and wrestling.

Although the sports were different, the athletes shared two similar, observable characteristics: 1) exceptionally coordinated, well-conditioned, finely tuned bodies seemingly capable of defying laws of gravity and limits of human endurance: 2) a ferocious competitiveness akin to the animal instinct for survival. The fans could easily sense the intense energy the competitors emitted, and the spectators thrilled to the vicarious experience of having their own athletic potential tapped.

As fascinating as these athletic spectacles are to watch, there is another hidden and even more dramatic arena which rarely is exposed to the general public, Here, an athlete competes not only with an opponent butt with a much more powerful and sometimes more fearful adversary self doubts, fears, and interfering personal problems. This arena is, of course, the mind of the athlete, the mysterious psyche.

Clinical sport psychologists have developed some interesting techniques, which have enabled athletes to explore and share this secret world. One such procedure is the Clinical Assessment of Sport Performance (CASP) previously discussed in the December 1985 edition of INDY SPORTS. The heart of this particular approach is to conduct an individualized personality assessment of a participant and then to have the athlete do a cognitive analysis of an actual competitive event. This means that he will watch a close up videotape of his most recent performance and record all his thoughts and feelings before, during and after the event. By analyzing the athlete’s mental state when he competes in relationship to his personality and actual competitive performance, a psychological training program can be developed to maximize his potential.

Seven members of the Pan Am X Wrestling team participated in the CASP analysis, and a tremendous amount of data was accumulated. Three case studies identifying specific mental distraction and their cognitive solutions are summarized below.

Case 1. A very talented, experienced wrestler lost in a preliminary match to a relatively unknown, inexperienced grappler from a small county. Since little was known about his opponent, little was expected. The cognitive analysis revealed damaging thoughts, which significantly lowered his vigilance. Self talk such as “I should get this guy easy” and “My next match will be the tough one” gave the athlete a false sense of confidence. An assistant coach’s remark assuring him the he should win easily only compounded the problem.

Solution. Cognitive restructuring, changing one’s thoughts, is the key to preventing overconfidence. Thoughts designed to heighten one’s vigilance, especially against an unknown entity, should be used. I believe this wrestler would have won had he been thinking, “I have no idea what this guy can do, I must be ready for anything” or if the coach would have warned “Be careful, you don’t know anything about him, and he looks dangerous.”

Case 2. A talented young athlete had to forfeit his match because he did not get on the mat within the allocated time. Although he knew the approximate time he was to wrestle, he lost touch with the tempo of how quickly the preceding events were ending. When he was supposed to be wrestling, he was in the locker room talking and joking with other team members. Obviously, his mind was not focused on his upcoming match. Could this have been predicted and prevented? A review of his training program revealed he had also “forgotten” a scheduled team meeting two days before.

Solution. The first step in helping an athlete who has mental lapses is to have him accept full responsibility. To blame others or to accept excuses for one’s mistakes only increases the probability that similar errors will occur in the future. Once total personal responsibility is assumed, every athlete should develop and implement a total pre-match mental warm up routine. Specific mental stages can be cued by external events. Entering the gymnasium, getting dressed, warming up, seeing the start of the match immediately before, walking on the mat, shaking hands with an opponent, and hearing the referee’s whistle are all clearly delineated points which can signal to a wrestler that he needs to go into a deeper, more intense mental state of alertness. The young athlete described above had no such plan, and he and his teammates paid a very high price.

Case 3. A superior, world class wrestler was eliminated from the finals by a weaker competitor because he, the American, was moving slower than normal, wasn’t executing properly, and generally seen to be out of sync with his normal aggressive wrestling style. The cognitive analysis revealed he was feeling confused and hesitant with a great deal of self-doubt. Psychologically, he was describing a state of depression, which was apparently precipitated by the recent break up with his girlfriend. The personal problem not only affected his mind but his entire body. He was mentally and physically sluggish and got beaten not by a physically better wrestler but an emotionally healthier one.

Solution. As with the other examples, an identification of the problem is the first step in removing the psychological obstacles to athletic excellence. In this case, the athlete’s self-thoughts and images were those, which were saying in effect that he was no good, unworthy, and deserving of being beat. Another subconscious fantasy he seemed to be entertaining was that if he lost, his girlfriend would feel sorry for what she had done to him and would come to him in his hour of need. The antidote for this type of self defeating thinking is to have this athlete think a variety of self confirming thoughts such as “I’ll be the next Olympic and World Champion and she’ll rue the day she let our relationship end” and, “When I bring home the Gold, I’ll have my pick of beautiful, intelligent women.”

The USA team came in second to the Cubans, losing by one point. If only one of the athletes described above had won, the team would have been victorious. In each of these three cases, specific identifiable psychological factors appeared to have seriously interfered with their athletic performances. Now that some of these mental obstacles have been identified for these three wrestlers, other athletes and coaches can learn to avoid similar errors in the future and can elect to become mentally stronger. Through careful planning and hard work, the mind and the body can be in harmony. Only then can the universal goal of each athlete be reached: athletic perfection.

Reprinted from Indy Sports February 1988

 

 

 

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

 

Coping With the Imposter Syndrome

Tracy Jordan had “tremendous potential,” ask anyone who had seen her play. After some shocking upsets on the tour, she got a respectable computer rating, lots of favorable publicity, and was on her way. But then Tracy lost some matches that she should have easily won. She blew leads. She seemed to stiffen when she had kill shots. Her confidence was noticeably shaken. Tracy acquired a reputation of not being able to win the close matches. Fame and wealth eluded her. More importantly, Tracy never experienced the inner satisfaction of playing up to her potential. She had to be content living with only memories of her flashes of brilliance.

Bobby Williams just took up tennis a few years ago. His speed, coordination and hard work placed him in contention for becoming the next club champion. The other club members gave him a lot of attention and he seemed to be enjoying his new-found fame. A club newspaper even noted his meteoric rise among his peers. But when Bobby played in tournaments, he always seemed to “choke.” He lost some close matches to less talented players. In practice, Bobby was awesome. But when it really counted, Bobby floundered.

So, too, with Anita Jennings whose rightful place in the tennis sun was overshadowed by inexplicable and recurring injuries. Linda Crowley’s problem was that she always panicked during the critical matches, which would have propelled her into the select arena of champions. Lucy Sullivan’s problem was her temper…and as she too frequently protested, the linemen.

As one studies gifted athletes, from professional to amateur, most potential winners only stagnate as losers with potential. They never become what they could be. While their quest for excellence remains unabated, the rewards of their search remain elusive.

Of course, there are many possible explanations for disappointing athletic performances. As psychologists become more involved in sport psychology, some intriguing answers and solutions are now being given. With the proper application of this new knowledge, losers with potential can become what they are capable of being: winners.

Understanding and coping with the psychological concept of the “imposter phenomenon” is but one of the ways losers can become winners. As applied to tennis, the imposter phenomenon refers to the conscious or unconscious belief that a player is unworthy of victory. Despite innate talents and real accomplishments, the rising tennis star feels less competent, less skilled than what others perceive and acclaim. Fans especially family members and coaches, are likely to be overly supportive by making remarks such as what a great future the player has. Pressure builds. While the rising star may publicly agree with these overly optimistic remarks, secretly there are fears that the expectations of others are unwarranted and too high. The player experiences a gnawing sensation that he/she is not really that good and everyone is going to be disappointed. Of course, the athlete would never admit these insecurities, for this would undermine the image of being a self-confident, strong person. And even if these feelings of doubts were shared with others, the supporters would likely be quick to dismiss these concerns with “reassuring” remarks such as “Oh, don’t be silly, you can play with the best of them. Or, “You just have to believe in yourself!” Thus communication is stopped and the frightened player is left alone to feel the panic of being unworthy of others’ high expectations. The fear remains that sooner or later there will be an unmasking; the imposter will be exposed to only being an average tennis player.

With young athletes, this pressure to live up to what others expect, and subtly demand can be unbearable. Something must give. As young, aspiring tennis players attempt to live up to everyone’s great expectations, they may try too hard. They push themselves beyond their physical and mental limits. Injuries, mental lapses, temper tantrum emerge. The all have the same end result. A talented and gifted tennis player becomes just another good player who never quite made it.

Another version of the imposter syndrome is when the player consciously or unconsciously believes that the opponent is the one really deserving to win. That person across the net is seen as being in better condition, having more shots, being more experienced or simply being a nicer person.

Brady Elpers used to enjoy playing tennis. But when she got good, her parents started to push he to greater heights. Her dad insisted she take tennis lessons and forced her to go to the best summer tennis camps. He watched her practice and monitored her every move in her matches. Her father was quick to point out her every mistake and belittled her wins. He did not want her to get complacent and overconfident. When she won, she was told that she was lucky or that she would have never won against a good player. Although these putdowns were designed to keep her motivated to work harder, it had a crippling effect. It made her feel as if her victories were cheap and undeserved. Brady’s once fluid movements became jerky, hesitant and tight. She unconsciously wanted to lose. She felt that she did not deserve to win. Although se appeared to be devastated by her losses, Brady at least no longer felt like an imposter. She became what she felt that she really was, a good player but not a great one. Not surprisingly, a great deal of pressure was removed from her young shoulders when her dad decided she as not destined to be another Chris Evert Lloyd or Martina Navratilova.

These players who are most susceptible to the imposter syndrome are first generation player and perfectinistic personalities.

First generation tennis players are those who because of their unique athletic talents suddenly become the focus of the immediate and extend family. Sibling jealously and frustrated athletic parents, who try to achieve via their children, are but two examples of additional tension with which the player had to cope. The budding tennis star starts to fell uneasy and distressed with the role of being the center of so much attention. Unconsciously, this first generation player may begin to self-destruct so as to be able to enjoy the safe anonymity of being just another member of the family. The perfectionist is one whose identity and self worth are wrapped up in being perfect. Anything less than perfection is unacceptable; Even to win in an imperfect way is to receive undeserved credit. The perfectionist feels like an imposter and failure is the unconscious just punishment.

For those tennis players who are losing matches because of feeling that they don’t deserve to win, there are solutions. Sport psychology has given us some mean to deal with the imposter phenomenon. Some of these techniques are listed below.

1. Self-recognition. The first and most important step for minimizing the imposter effect is to recognize that the feeling of unworthiness is present. A true champion is cognizant not only of the physical but especially the mental strengths and weaknesses which are accompanying the champion into every match. The athlete must feel that one’s presence on the court is deserved. The feeling “I belong here” needs to be cognitively and experientially affirmed. When there is ambivalence, effective counseling by a competent clinical sport psychologist can work wonders.

2. Find a listener. When there are feelings of doubt about one’s worth, it is important to locate an empathetic listener. A good listener is one who will let other go the end of their thoughts. Even if that means listening to self-depreciating, gloomy remarks. To be avoided are the avid supporters who will let others go to the end of their thoughts. Even if that means listening to self-depreciating, gloomy remarks. To be avoided are the avid supporters who will not listen to negative feelings but will only aggravate the problem by insisting that self doubts are foolish. 3. Exercise the muscle of the mind. Self-hypnosis meditation positive visual and auditory reinforcements and other mind enhancing techniques are all useful tools, which tennis players can learn to use. The conscious and subconscious can become a tennis player’s greatest ally if properly programmed. A player who has the imposter syndrome should write out and frequently rehearse all the things which were done to prepare for victory by recognizing and remembering the hours of practice, the unlimited energy spent in “reading, watching and listening to improve one’s game, and appreciating the innate abilities possessed, a sense of worthiness will be felt. The fears of being an imposter will dissipate and one’s performance will improve. 4. Make the opponent the imposter. By mentally attacking one’s opponent, a tennis player who has the imposter syndrome can reverse the roles. The opponent can be perceived as being the unworthy one who deserves to be defeated. Enjoyable images of how the opponent looks quite awkward, is out of shape, was lucky to have won previous matches, and partied too much the night before are constructive thoughts for the player who used to self destruct with these ideas. 5. Thought stopping. Thought stopping is another helpful technique, which can be used to stop unpleasant and self-defeating thoughts. Whenever a player begins to sense that a negative thought is beginning to intrude, a prearranged, healthier thought pattern can be substituted. For example, by placing a rubber band around one’s writs and snapping it hard every time the thought of being unworthy arises, psychic energy can then be rechanneled to focus on a previously established positive thought pattern. A flick of the band can be the signal for a player to recite the litany of reasons why it is fair and just to be a winner. To be a successful tennis player requires more than simple physical skills. The tennis mind must be trained and disciplined. The imposter phenomenon is but one of the common psychological barriers to tennis success. A few countermeasures were presented but only a carefully honed mind can effectively implement these or any other mental strategies. It takes time and effort to develop the powers of the mind, which have lain dormant for most athletes. But the potential for greatness is there. It begins with an awareness of what is, and then, a decision to be. Perhaps the effort for greatness will be more than what the reader may wish to endure. If so, then I suggest to the reader that this article be passed on to one of his/her many “worthy” opponents. (Reprinted with permission from Inside Woman’s Tennis) December 1987 – Indy Sports

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

Adopted Children’s Pleas

I am adopted, and you see me as being very special. Thank you. But please don’t let my “specialness” be a burden that I can’t handle. I am still just a child.

If you were unable to have your own biological child, I’m sorry. But please do not put all your hopes and dreams on me. I’m only a kid, and I might not be able to live up to your expectations.

Tell me about my adoption. Tell me everything you know. Please don’t keep anything from me. I want to know the truth, even if you think it will hurt me. Most importantly, I need to know that you will always be honest with me.

I’m curious about my biological parents. Where are they? What are they like? Do they think about me? Do they want to see me? Should I see them? Please don’t be afraid of my questions. My wondering does not reflect on my feelings for you. Will you let me explore my thoughts with you without being threatened, or will I be left to wonder in silence?

If you really don’t know the answers to my questions, such as why my birth parents gave me up for adoption, that’s OK. Just tell me you don’t know. But please reassure me that you are happy to have me.

Please don’t say anything bad about my birth parents. I will always have feelings for them, even though I’m not sure what my feelings are.

You are my parents, so please be parents. Love me. Teach me. And be sure to discipline me. I need you to be my parents, not my friends.

If I get angry and yell “I hate you. You aren’t my real parents,” please hear what I’m really saying. I’m angry, confused and afraid. I’m testing you. Will you stand by me no matter how defiant I become? Will you discipline me as I deserve, as you would your “own” child? Will you still love me no matter what I say or do? I hope so.

When you get angry or frustrated with me, please never, never say you are going to send me back or that you are sorry you adopted me. The feeling of not being wanted is my greatest unspoken fear.

It will take time for me to feel love for you (especially if I am an older adopted child), and then I’m not sure how to express my feelings. Please don’t force me to show you physical affection or tell you that I love you. Give me time to develop and understand my feelings for you and slowly teach me how to express them.

Remember, I have a different genetic background from you, and I may differ considerably from you in physical appearance, innate intelligence, coordination, aesthetic inclinations and temperament. Will you accept and respect my uniqueness? Will you still love me even though I’m different?

And finally, just because you adopted me doesn’t mean that I should be indebted to you for having “saved” me from being without parents. Nor should you be indebted to me for being the child who saved you from being childless. Please, let us just be what we all are: children of God reaching out to one another.

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

Image used in this article by dan @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Adopting Special Needs Children, Betrayal, and Christ

Most adoptions work. However, there are some children who because of negative genetic loading, early history of neglect and abuse, and/or early traumas in the early bonding process create special challenges for adopting parents. The story below is a true composite of the journeys many loving adoptive parents have taken when they adopted children with severe emotional and behavioral problems.

Many years ago, a little girl played with her dolls and dreamed of the day she would be a mommy. Enriched with a deep belief in God, she also prayed that she would be close to Jesus and would someday be held in His arms.

This little girl grew into a wonderful, loving woman who rejoiced on her wedding day knowing that someday she would become a mommy. But for some unknown reason, God did not bless her with children. She wondered why, cried, and continued praying that someday she would be a mommy and would be close to God.

After several years of being childless, this woman felt a message from God revealing part of His plan for her. He was saving her to be a mommy by adopting one of His most vulnerable children, a child who had been severely wounded as an infant and who now needed a loving mommy.

The child God chose for her was a cute six year old little girl whose wounds lay dormant underneath her infectious giggle, outgoing personality, and angelic look of innocence. Sadly, while in the womb, this precious child was placed in a hostile world of alcohol, drugs, and nicotine. When she was born, her birth parents, partly because of their own childhood wounds, assaulted this child of God through abuse and neglect.

Angry, afraid, and untrusting, this little girl had been placed in three foster homes before God’s hand guided her to this special woman who had always wanted to be a mommy and to be close to God.

As this child grew, her deep-seated pain continued to show itself sometimes by lying, stealing, and hitting others. The mother pleaded to God, “Why does this child do these things to me? God, why won’t she listen to me when I try to teach her your commandments?”

When this wounded child reached adolescence, her childhood hurts and rage revealed themselves again, but now they did so with the intensity of adolescence. As her mother attempted to keep her daughter from the evils of society’s glorification of drugs, sex, and the emphasis of children’s “rights” without responsibility, the child turned violent against this wonderful woman who had always wanted to be a mommy and be close to God.

As this young teenager searched for an answer to the unconscious question of why her birth mother had abused her, she drifted into drugs and sex and eventually was suspended from school. When her mother continued to try to guide, discipline, and love her daughter, this angry child, hidden within a teenager’s body, escalated her violence.

Finally, her mother was forced to seek help from the police. The cunning teenager, who long ago was forced to learn how to survive, was able to convince the authorities into believing that the loving mother was really an abusive mother.

All the minor mistakes the mother had made as a parent were magnified, then falsely used by the child and “experts” to blame the child’s hatred on the loving mother. Eventually, this wounded child was removed from her adoptive home and placed with foster parents who also naively believed that this child was a victim of an abusive adoptive mother.

Alone without her only child she remembered Christ’s word on the cross: “My God, why have you forsaken me?” Suddenly she felt Jesus’s arms surround her as He whispered, “Whatever you do for the least of my children, so you do unto me.”

And then she knew her childhood prayers had been answered. For God not only selected her to be a loving mommy to one of His most needy children, but through her wounded child she found a new understanding of Christ’s piercing pain when He, too had been betrayed by some of His children. Alas this loving mommy knew that she was being held in His arms.

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

Another Dreaded School Year or…

Here we go again. Another dreaded school year is about to start. Notes and calls from the teachers. Poor grades. Fights about doing homework. False claims (lies?) that there was no homework or misleading assurances it was already turned in. Lost books, completed homework not handed in, and the eternal refrains of “I forgot,” “I don’t know,” “The teacher doesn’t like me,” and “It’s boring.”

Parents of underachievers often experience fear and trepidation at the beginning of another year of academic conflict. And underachievers? They’re dreading it, too. Parents nagging and yelling, teachers criticizing, and another long year of hard labor in the salt mines with minimal rewards. For an underachiever to experience another year of academic failure, one can expect that his positive self-image will continue to erode and there will be a crystallization of the personal of a rebel, class clown, or the cool “I couldn’t care less” dude.

In spite of any assumed roles, all underachievers want to achieve. Every child needs and deserves to fell competent, yet every year an untold number fail to reach their potential and seriously jeopardize their future by receiving D’s and F’s. With continuously rising national dropout rate, our national tragedy continues. “Experts” who encourage parents and teachers to take a laissez-faire attitude toward our failing children only compound the problem by giving false reassurances of “He is only going through a stage,” or “Let him fail and eventually he’ll pick himself up.” Parents who address underachievement by blaming teachers, school and society may feel that they are doing something, but the underachieving child continues to be sacrificed by the lack of constructive parental involvement.

Every child can get A’s and B’s in school, given average intelligence, organization, concentration, and especially HARD WORK. Most underachievers are at least of average intelligence but have not developed the skills of organization and concentration. Nor are most underachievers willing to spend the time or exert the energy to be successful. Here is where parents need to step in.

Obviously, the best type of motivation is internal; but when the inner desire for academic excellence is missing, external motivation is needed. With continuous, loving external motivation to succeed, eventually the motivation will be internalized. Success breeds success, and sometimes we need to livingly drag underachievers to success. With time, an underachieving child will mature. With parents insisting upon good academic performances and behavior now, opportunities for further education and careers will later be open. But not so for the underachiever who has been left to fall deeper and deeper in the abyss of failure.

When maturity comes, the underachiever who has been abandoned to the “addiction” of failure will be severely limited as to future opportunities. Too many of our young adults today have been condemned by their failures of yesteryear.

Underachievement is a self-defeating habit that can be broken. The beginning of the school year is the best time for concerned parents to implement a strategy, which will help the underachiever, enjoy the rewards of academic success.

The following steps have proven to be effective:

Both parents meet with their child to affirm their love for him and assurance of help in developing effective study habits. Parents should learn and teach them was to take notes, study for tests, and take objective / essay examinations. Establish regular time and places to study (not the bedroom!). Two to three hours of studying a night (with breaks) is not an unreasonable amount of time to expect for underachieving children in grades six through 12.

Personally contact each teacher to ask for assistance in keeping you informed of your child’s progress. It is reasonable to request a class syllabus so you know when tests are scheduled; projects are due, and of extra credit opportunities.

Have a monitoring system in place whereby you can obtain daily or weekly feedback from the teachers as to your child’s progress academically and behaviorally. If parents rely solely on the underachiever to tell them how he is doing in school, the failure cycle will only continue.

Review your child’s homework, quiz him for exams and help him correct his errors when he does poorly on tests.

Finally, reward your child for hard work.

All underachievers want to succeed, but few are willing to prepare themselves to succeed. But so, too, with parents. All parents of underachievers want their children to be successful, but only a few parents are wiling to spend the time and energy necessary to help them learn new habit necessary for future successes.
Another dreaded school year…or another year of investing in a child’s future? We, the parents, hold our children’s futures in our hands. How we elect to address their problems must first come from our hearts and then through our actions.

Reprint permission granted by Indy’s Child, August 1989

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

The image used in this article is by Arvind Balaraman @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Parental Love vs. the Law: Protecting Jessica DeBoer

Sometimes we tell our babies and toddlers to do things we know they cannot do. For example, we might tell our six-month-old baby to walk as we carefully hold her hands and watch the child move her wobbly legs. Or we might tell our 1 year old to fly as we throw him in the air while he flaps his little arms. And we might proudly tell our 4 year old how she is swimming as we hold her tummy and guide her through the waters.

What we sometimes say to a young child is often empowering to the child and simultaneously a reflection of what we are doing to and for the child.

A few years ago there was a sensational legal battle waged by two parents over their little girl, Hilary. The mother, Dr. Elizabeth Morgan, claimed her ex husband, Dr. Eric Foretich, had sexually molested their daughter. Still, a judge felt the charges were unwarranted and ordered Dr. Morgan to arrange unsupervised visits between Hilary and her father.

Instead, Dr. Morgan defied the court order and made arrangements for Hilary to be surreptitiously taken out of the country; her whereabouts were kept secret. Dr. Morgan was ordered by the Court to reveal Hilary’s whereabouts or be held in contempt. Dr. Morgan refused to comply citing her daughter’s safety a being more important than her own welfare. Dr. Morgan was then ordered to jail where she remained for 25 months before an act of Congress allowed her to be released.

Today, Dr. Morgan reportedly resides with her daughter in Australia, having forsaken her career, friends, all her material possessions, and even her country for what she believed to be best for her little girl. Is this woman an emotionally disturbed criminal…or a mother whose love for her child gave her direction as to what she should do? What would we have done in a similar situation?

I thought a great deal about what Dr. Morgan did as the whole country followed the agonizing saga of little 2 year old Jessica DeBoer whose adoptive parents were ordered to return her to her biological parents. The Jessica DeBoer case has had a disturbing effect on most knowledgeable parents, especially those who have adopted children.

Virtually all the data available on bonding and attachment and the opinions of experts in the field have helped confirm our outrage at the violent trauma Jessica has had to endure, and continues to endue, as she was forcibly stripped from the only parents she had ever known. Charges of psychological murder and legal kidnapping are befitting the tragic fate this innocent little girl has had to experience because the law of the land did not consider Jessica’s well being as more important than the rights of the birth parents.

Will the wrenching image of Jessica’s terrified face, as she was hopelessly strapped in a car seat to be forcibly reunited with her birth parents ever fade? Indeed, do we want it to fade? Should we allow it to disappear merely for our own comfort?

How unrealistically many of us were as we hoped the birth parents would put their needs aside and do what was clearly in Jessica’s best interests. But that was too much to ask of a birth mother who had revoked her decision to relinquish Jessica for adoption and who had deliberately lied as to the true identity of the birth father. So too, there was slim hope the birth father, who had already previously abandoned tow of his other children, would make Jessica’s interests paramount.

While I have nothing but total admiration for Jan and Robby DeBoer as they fought desperately for two years within the cold legal system to keep Jessica safe within their love, I often wonder why they did not take their precious child and leave the country. Once they were aware that the court system was going to only look at Jessica as a piece of property and not as a sensitive, vulnerable little girl with feelings, should they have not forsaken all their worldly possessions and fled the country? Should they have not have put all their relationships with family and friends on hold for the next 16 years until their most precious child was legally an adult?

As we all try to imagine what we would have done in the DeBoer’s situation, the answer for me came easily. Had Jessica been my daughter, I would have held this sweet child in my arms, and would have whispered in her ears: “Run, Jessica, run.”

Reprint from INDY’S CHILD, INC., October 1993

Image: Jon Whiles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

The Underachieving Child – Part II

If parents accept the premise that it is their responsibility to help their underachieving child (which I hope they do!), I wish to offer some suggestions, which have proven to be successful:

1. Talk to your child. Show your concern. See if there are any personal problems at home or at school, which can be resolved. But remember, regardless of any problems, which may be present, children need to succeed in school.

2. Talk with your child’s teachers to see the teachers’ perspectives. Ask for suggestions as to how you can help reinforce at home what is being taught in the classroom. Support the teachers.

3. Set up a quiet study spot, well lighted and free of auditory and visual distractions. A child’s bedroom is usually the worst place for an underachieving child to study; there are too many distractions. The kitchen table, the bathroom, or a special study area where a child can be monitored usually works quite well.

4. Set up a positive reinforcement schedule for good school behavior, good study habits, and especially for good efforts and good grades. Depending upon the child’s age, hugs, stars, prizes, etc., are great motivators.

5. Institute a weekly monitoring system so you can know immediately if your child is handing in his homework, doing well on quizzes, and behaving himself in class. Let the teachers know what you are doing and ask for their cooperation. Without information from the schools, you are beat! Underachievers are typically not the best message carriers. Go directly to the teachers. Exercise your right and love for your child.

6. Make sure any missing assignment is completed and handed in even if it is long past due. Poor test performances indicate a lack of knowledge and preparation. Parents and child should review and correct every exam on which the child did poorly.

7. Check your child’s homework and require corrections to careless mistakes or sloppy work. When your child genuinely does not understand something, parents should become tutors.

8. Quiz your child before every exam. Be sure your child understands the material. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

9. Make sure your child does all extra credit projects. Underachievers need all the help they can get. When teachers make extra learning experiences available, parents should require this extra effort of their children.

10. When a child continuously “forgets” to bring home his books and assignment sheets or continuously misbehaves in the classroom, parents should periodically attend class with the child. The message being “If you continue to choose not to be responsible, I love you enough to be in school to help you.”

The best motivator-bar none-is success. Success breeds success. If a child is doing well, continue with encouragement and support, but add direct guidance. We as parents must never stand by and watch our children seriously jeopardize their futures and self-esteem by failing.

Let our love for our children be matched by our courage to help them when they need it.

Reprint permission granted by INDY’S CHILD, INC. (March 1987)

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

The image used in the article was created by photostock @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Underachieving Child – Part I

It usually begins early – first, second, or even third grade. Underachievement starts to show itself around the fourth and fifth grade when homework is assigned. It typically gets worse in middle school. In high school the problem often becomes a disaster. A bright child who should be getting all A’s and B’s brings home a report card with C’s and D’s and sometimes even F’s.

Teachers provide parents with the same message: “We know be is capable of doing so much better, but he doesn’t seem to care. If only he would pay attention in class, hand in his homework …… Parents listen silently, often frustrated and angry. They don’t understand. Their other children have done exceptionally well and now they are being told they have a child who is failing. Their strategies of pleading logic (“It’s important to hand in your homework, get good grades and go to college.”) and authoritarian power (“You’re grounded, no TV and no phone privileges!”) have failed. They are ready to give up.

About this time parents often turn to so-called “experts” and sometimes receive terrible advice. “He is just going through a stage; ignore it and he’ll eventually outgrow it,” or “Let him fail and eventually he’ll pick himself up.

Underachievement is a national problem with far-reaching consequences. It jeopardizes children’s futures and deprives them of the deep inner satisfaction of feeling competent. Underachievers usually suffer from low self-image and lack of confidence, and they emotionally drop out of school. I have never seen a child who is doing poorly in school who feels good about himself.

The causes of underachievement are as varied as children are. The problem may be simply due to poor study babits, poor organization, or a lack of internal discipline. It could be symptomatic of more serious problems such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse or marital discord between the parents. Perhaps it is the result of learning disabilities, impaired vision or hearing or a neurological handicap. Sometimes underachievement is the result of an acquired attitude of helplessness (“I can’t do it!”) or defiance (“I won’t do it!”). Regardless of its origins, the results of underachievement are almost always the same: a bright child’s talents are wasted and emotional consequences occur.

To address this problem of underachievement, let me begin by suggesting two operating premises:

1) Every child needs and wants to feel competent by succeeding in school; and

2) Educating children is the primary responsibility of the parents – not the teachers.

Most parents readily accept the first premise but balk at the notion that they are responsible for educating their children. But it is true. Parents delegate much of their responsibility for educating their children to the teachers, but the parents are ultimately responsible for seeing to it that their children are well-educated. Parents should support the teachers and follow through at home with what they have been taught in the classroom. For the sake of the children, parents and teachers should be united in expecting, within reasonable boundaries, children to meet the following six criteria:

1) Attend all classes and be on time;

2) Pay attention to what is being taught;

3) Read the assigned material;

4) Hand in completed and accurate homework;

5) Do well on quizzes and examinations; and

6) Behave properly.

When a child begins to do poorly in school, academically, socially, or behaviorally, parents’ inner alarms should go off. Underachievers typically do not recognize that they have a problem; or if they do, they will not admit it. A poor report card is a clear message to parents that they must do something to help their child.

The first step in helping an underacbieving child is to recognize that there is a problem. The second step is for parents to realize that they have the responsibility to constructively intervene.

Reprint permission granted by INDY’S CHILD, INC. (February 1987)

Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000

The image used in this article was created by Arvind Balaraman @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net