I am adopted, and you see me as being very special. Thank you. But please don’t let my “specialness” be a burden that I can’t handle. I am still just a child.
If you were unable to have your own biological child, I’m sorry. But please do not put all your hopes and dreams on me. I’m only a kid, and I might not be able to live up to your expectations.
Tell me about my adoption. Tell me everything you know. Please don’t keep anything from me. I want to know the truth, even if you think it will hurt me. Most importantly, I need to know that you will always be honest with me.
I’m curious about my biological parents. Where are they? What are they like? Do they think about me? Do they want to see me? Should I see them? Please don’t be afraid of my questions. My wondering does not reflect on my feelings for you. Will you let me explore my thoughts with you without being threatened, or will I be left to wonder in silence?
If you really don’t know the answers to my questions, such as why my birth parents gave me up for adoption, that’s OK. Just tell me you don’t know. But please reassure me that you are happy to have me. 
Please don’t say anything bad about my birth parents. I will always have feelings for them, even though I’m not sure what my feelings are.
You are my parents, so please be parents. Love me. Teach me. And be sure to discipline me. I need you to be my parents, not my friends.
If I get angry and yell “I hate you. You aren’t my real parents,” please hear what I’m really saying. I’m angry, confused and afraid. I’m testing you. Will you stand by me no matter how defiant I become? Will you discipline me as I deserve, as you would your “own” child? Will you still love me no matter what I say or do? I hope so.
When you get angry or frustrated with me, please never, never say you are going to send me back or that you are sorry you adopted me. The feeling of not being wanted is my greatest unspoken fear.
It will take time for me to feel love for you (especially if I am an older adopted child), and then I’m not sure how to express my feelings. Please don’t force me to show you physical affection or tell you that I love you. Give me time to develop and understand my feelings for you and slowly teach me how to express them.
Remember, I have a different genetic background from you, and I may differ considerably from you in physical appearance, innate intelligence, coordination, aesthetic inclinations and temperament. Will you accept and respect my uniqueness? Will you still love me even though I’m different?
And finally, just because you adopted me doesn’t mean that I should be indebted to you for having “saved” me from being without parents. Nor should you be indebted to me for being the child who saved you from being childless. Please, let us just be what we all are: children of God reaching out to one another.
Lawrence B. Lennon, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and Clinical Director of Lennon & Associates, PC. and The Family Bonding & Attachment Center. Copyright 1991, Revised 2000
Image used in this article by dan @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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